Loss in a big adventure

So as I write this I have less than 2 weeks left in Peru. A friend recently sent me a link from a favorite blog of ours, 'The Art of Non-conformity' and I feel like it hits how I'm feeling these days on the head. Or whatever the saying is.

It's not that I'm not excited for whats next, but I can honestly say I've never felt so open to so many options before-and potentially all of them could make me very happy. Every day that I've been in Peru has been some sort of challenge and I guess its just a bit disorientating trying to chose which set of challenges I want to take on next that are hopefully going to keep me on my toes like Peru has.


October 13, 2011
The Sense of Loss in a Big Adventure

An unexpected thing happened on the streets of Seoul, Korea.

I've been to Seoul several times, and don't really feel anything special about it. It's not a bad place in any way, and perhaps I'd like it more if I spent more time there. I just don't think of Seoul in a special way, as I do with other Asian cities like Hong Kong, Singapore, and Bangkok.

That's why the thing was so unexpected. All of a sudden while riding along in the interminable airport shuttle (the main airport is more than an hour from the city), I began to feel sad. I looked around and realized that even though I didn't love Seoul itself, in the near future I would greatly miss this experience.

For more than ten years, I've been actively traveling in all parts of the world. For the past four years, the travel has been a near-obsession. I've been in at least 20 countries every year, often more like thirty-five when you consider all the transits and stopovers.

There hasn't been any time when I haven't been planning at least one big trip. I've had multiple, ten-segment itineraries open at any given time. I've spent thousands of dollars in processing fees and FedEx charges sending my passports back and forth from D.C. and various embassies, often receiving them back the day of my departure before rushing out to the airport.

And on this trip, I realized for the very first time... that one day, before too long, it will be coming to an end.

168 countries down, only 25 to go.

I remember my visit to Sri Lanka, country #100, so clearly. I was jetlagged and made the mistake of taking a nap at 4pm. Waking up before midnight, I spent the rest of the night writing the original Working for Yourself guide and walking on the beach outside my hotel.

It feels so recent, but that visit was actually sixty-eight countries ago. Life has been flying by so quickly.

***

The quest to visit every country was always personal -- I knew I'd do it even if no one cared or noticed. But when I started writing about big adventures (and YOU started reading), things changed a lot, mostly for the better.

At almost every book tour stop, meetup, or speaking gig over the past year, someone asked the question: "What will you do after you finish seeing the world?" Other people would nod, as if they were wondering too.

After a few false starts, I developed a good answer: "Well, I have no plans to stop traveling. I'd like to go back and revisit some of the places I especially liked."

I also said that travel is only one part of what I do. I write books, start businesses, host the World Domination Summit and other events, and... a lot more. None of those things are coming to an end anytime soon.

These answers -- I'll keep traveling in some form, and I do more than just travel -- are both true. But now I understand something that perhaps many of you already knew when you asked the question: the answers were true, but they weren't sufficient. There is a real sense of loss as a big adventure comes to an end, and you should be prepared for it.

Assuming all goes well, the adventure is coming to an end over the next 16 months. There's still a long way to go, but I can finally foresee a time where there won't be any more stressing over visas and hopping off to random countries that I knew nothing about until a few years ago. I probably won't sleep on many airport floors, and won't likely maximize a 10-segment itinerary to get to as many stops as possible.

I don't know what comes next, and the thought of coming to the end feels like a real loss.

An actor friend gave me a metaphor: when a show closes, the actors all experience a feeling of sadness and loss. This is usually true even if they didn't especially love the show, or even if they're all ready to move on to something else. You still have to say goodbye to an intense period of your life, and that's always tough.

So now, after failing to grasp the problem, I suddenly get it. I felt like crying on that airport bus from Seoul, and it wasn't because I wanted another day in Korea. It was that I've been working for something for so long, and now that it actually seems within reach, I don't know what to do with myself.

Of course I'll still travel and write after April 7, 2013. I'll start more projects than I can finish and say yes to things I'm excited about. The best is yet to come. But I do understand... this is a problem I don't yet know how to solve.

136 Miles with 50 pounds of Wood on my back...

I see this every day at my site, though usually the women are carrying much, much more. I stole this one from google though because I always feel bad taking pictures of them instead of helping...not that I'm nearly that strong!!!!

I have 3 weeks left in Peru....I'm definitely a bundle of feelings these days. But instead of blogging about those, I'm sharing this really exciting story I read today in the Huffington Post related to clean cooking stoves. Check it out...


http://www.huffingtonpost.com/greg-spencer/why-am-i-walking-136-mile_b_985528.html

This is their project:

http://www.theparadigmproject.org/the-stove-project

During my improved stove project I told participating families that I'd give them some fabulous seeds (spinach and various other veggies) if I visited their houses and encountered what Peace Corps peeps fondly call 'tippy taps' and almost every one of my 30 families made one (and are using it!).

http://www.tippytap.org/



The needs for these tippy taps came from the horrifyingly high incidence of parasitic infections that my community members have from not consuming clean water and terrible diarrhea from lack of handwashing. All this talk about water got me thinking though about how a few days every month I wake up to no water in my house....this sets my day off to a very bad start for several reasons...

I can't brush my teeth or wash my face-the only real versions of hygiene left that make me feel dignified.
I can't flush the "toilet" and neither can the other 5 people who use it
I can't boil water to drink for the day.
....or for my coffee.
I can't clean out my pee bucket.
I can't stop thinking about my parasite thats just gonna keep growing because my host mom is washing dishes with water from the night before thats she's already used twice.
I can't wash my hands and neither can she.

Of course the solution is to always have a bucket of standing h20 just ready to go,and I've taught moms about purifying water with a drop of bleach per liter, boiling for at least 5 mins, or SODIs....but sometimes my mind drifts off to drinking from the tap back home or how I can pick either crushed or cubed ice from the refrigerator dispenser. I think about how in the US I never asked questions about infrastructure or where things come from or how they go organized so well. I can't ever recall not having any water for a prolonged period of time.

A few weeks ago I went with a close Peruvian friend for her baby ultrasound in the local hospital. I went to the bathroom there and there was muck on the floor and no water and no soap to wash my hands. I wasn't that surprised but said'you'd think that at least the hospital would have soap' but she said 'they try, but then people just take it.'Then I want to create an NGO solely for the purpose of soap dispenser installation!!!!

Hmmm.

Cocinas Mejoradas

Video about my project to build 30 improved cooking stoves in my site:

http://youtu.be/P-MA7mfe2dw

Two big things that I have been waiting for my entire service happened last month: things came together for a large project and I got a grant funded to build 35 improved cooking stoves AND the two other Lee ladies came to visit!! It was funny to me how I spent the entire month of May 2010 in the States last year for reasons beyond my control, but that this time around May was the best month I’ve had all year!! I couldn’t have asked for a more perfect time with them. Having Mom and Jenn here was a lot like seeing my Peace Corps experience with fresh eyes again, seeing their reactions to the places I’ve come to know and love, my house (apparently it’s worse than a shed according to my mom, but I’ve tried to make it a relatively cozy one and had forgotten about that first reaction I had the first time I came here and entered what was only a cinderblock bldg), having them meet the people I now call great friends, translating for everything….being able to show them my life here, having them meet and have a great time with people they would otherwise never know, felt like a reward for waking up every morning and deciding to be here in Peru.

My community had been anticipating their visit for months, planning what we would do when mi familia came to visit. In the weeks coming up to their visit, my two best friends at site (the twins Annie and Karen) told me they wanted to learn a song in English to sing to my mom and Jenn…..they chose “My Heart Will Go On” which I told them was sure to make my mom cry since I spent most of my preadolescence belting that song out imagining I had a future as the Irish-American Celine Dion. I wrote down the words and then we went through it by sounds and practiced lots. When the big day came, they sang it perfectly!!! I was so proud of them, and my sis, mom, and I spent all day with the twins getting the full tour of the chacras around my site full of alfalfa, corn, potato, and different fruits. We had a hearty (literally) feast of cuy-guinea pig with Jenn getting served the wide open mouthed top half of one poor creature. The two of them instantly understood why I complain about carbohydrates here, the impossible amounts you get served, but they did their best. Then it was off to see the LIVING guinea pigs. In the night we danced huayno (a traditional dance in Peru, especially the sierra) and exchanged gifts and stories. The 3 of us slept in my bed after they heard rat stories from my little host brothers, several of which I acknowledged were true, and awoke to a beautiful sunny mountain morning, and went to go milk the cows. The twins made arroz con leche for lunch with fresh chocklo (large grained corn) and we had a feast before my mom received a beautifully colored table runner with her name hand sewn in as a gift, and Jenn received a scarf with her name too. I was so taken aback by how generous they were being with my family and everything they were saying about our friendship that there was definitely some happy crying going on. I can’t imagine what it’s going to be like when I leave.

We left my site, exhausted but perfectly content and started making our way back to Cajamarca city to head on to Cusco. I had booked us flights to Cusco and spent an hour arguing in Spanish with a ticket agent who had given our reservation to another family named Lee…nice security Peruvian Air! Ticket man also tried to make me get in line for new tickets claiming we’d been listed for the 6 am flight when I had a reservation in my hand saying 10. Knowing that getting “in line” in most of Peru is one of the most blood pressure raising, rage inducing thing I can think of, I used all my staring down and yelling abilities I’ve learned while being a non-tourist in Peru and refused to budge so things got sorted. Once checked in we also drove around in a bus on the airport tarmac looking for our plane for a good 5 minutes. And so our Cusco adventure began.

I had been to Cusco in 2006 and I have to say that it looked completely different to me this time around. This time I was so relaxed, used to Peru, very used to the sierra, not even thinking about language, and just ready for a good bed, food, company and artisan scarf shopping. We stayed in San Blas, the oldest part of the city with cobbled tiny, tinnnny roads and some textile artisan shops. We found an Irish pub and had a nice meal there (of course with our favorite thing, pisco sours, not Guinness….this is PERU afterall) then the next morning headed to Aguas Calientes which is a tiny town at the base of Machu Picchu. Most people had talked about the town being far from idyllic, but I honestly thought it had an iota of charm. Of course the charm was quickly swept away when I saw the menu prices….so after a few indulgences we vowed to cross the river into the ‘real’ Aguas Calientes for our next snack. Anyone who is going….just get off the tourist side of town by crossing the river (it’s still super tranquilo) and you’ll find your 40 sole dinner for 4 soles. Your food doesn’t taste of robbery if you do it that way. We got up early to Machu Picchu and saw it in all its wonderful glory, it was like seeing it for the first time again because it was covered in clouds that slowly began to disappear and reveal the ruins. There were tons of alpacas too! We did hikes out to the Inca Bridge and up to the Sun Gate for spectacular views that were well worth the stairs up. I have some serious admiration for anyone who does the 4 day Inca trail….it would put the toughest setting on a stair climber to shame.

All in all we spent a good 7 hours at the ruins exploring, hiking, and taking it all in. It certainly earns its keep as one of the most recently named 7 wonders of the world. Incredible to think of what it must have been like in its day. Our taxi driver that night told us there are theories that Machu Picchu was a dwelling for the women who would sleep with the Inca or otherwise entertain him, or another that it was built for the greatest minds of the empire who were vital to creating infrastructure or keeping everything in check….and that once these great minds were used they were summarily executed so they couldn’t share that knowledge. Doesn’t seem that viable that they would build them houses then though if there weren’t going to be sticking around long.

So couldn’t have asked for a better trip with mom and Jenn….hopefully my dad will make it before the end of service. Since they left I’ve been laying low trying to get my project into full swing at site and fighting off a particularly angry tummybug….Peru 14 is down to 5 months left in Peru which is crazy!
Abrazos!

Some funny stuff from lately :)

My friend and I got our Inca Colas stolen right out of our hands just walking around ‘pasearing’ the other day. This lady wearing a bagpack on her front did like a stealth grab thing and took the bottles right out of our hands!

Later the same weekend I was minding my own business drinking a tea and having a muffinlike thing when this disheveled man spotted me, walked away then slowly walked back avoiding eye contact then doing a stealth 360 turn ending with him grabbing my muffin right off the plate and walking away eating it!

Now that its summer in the sierra, my site just completely lights up with stars at night…everywhere you look its pitch black and you can see a sky full of bright shining stars, planets, and satellites. No planes though, I’ve only seen 2 planes fly over while I’ve lived here and you can hear them coming a good 5 minutes before they are even nearby.

Here they make a thick soup called chocoka from dried out corn and I learned the other day that you have to degrain the corn used for the soup only on a full moon or the whole batch will go bad. My friends at site very earnestly told me they call an un-full moon (or in English I guess that’s a new moon right?) a green moon….and apparently there’s a lot of stuff you’re not supposed to do while the green moons out…fortunately most of those things relate to farming so I think I’ll be alright since I don’t foresee having to take that into my own hands.

My two favorite people at site, who happen to each been 1 ½ years old, both have learned my name as one of their first words. Every time they see me now it’s ‘tia,’ (aunt), or kaaaaaaaaayttttii Also, Barbara made me think about measuring time in terms of little people and Diana and Antony weren’t even born when Peru 14 (my PC group) arrived in Peru in September 2009…now they are walking, talking, and saying the name of their favorite gringita. Diana even knows how to cut alfalfa and wrap it in a blanket to put in on her back to bring it to the guinea pigs. I never had any idea how entertaining it is to watch little people learn new things ALL the time.
On a recent trip back to site the car I was in was following a taxi that had been totally hollowed out….like the only thing left was the white frame of the car…no windows, no doors….no seats…only then you see that someones driving it and he’s sitting on a plastic chair as a makeshift drivers seat….decked out!

Lets talk politica…

On April 10th Peru will have its national elections in which everyone over 18 is obliged to vote. It’s an exciting time, and while I’m largely outside of it, seeing I have no TV or access to national newspapers on a daily or even weekly basis, I’ve just been gauging sentiment around where I live. It’s interesting to me to see the smeared bright colored paint of different candidates strewn across the sides of houses made of adobe and cement, the way it mixes with the smoke stains from antiquated stoves that are making people sick. At first I loathed the way every house was turned into a campaign sign, and in some ways I still do. The paint just chips away and the slogan still remains, like those annoying reminders of Christmas in March because a neighbor won’t take down their decorations; it just leaves you feeling a bit nostalgic and a bit irritated that they put it up in the first place. I have discussions with Peruvians that range from ‘that’s the way it is here ‘ when mulling over corruption or things not getting done to Peruvians who are so passionate that this candidate will be ‘the one’ to hold people accountable that they barely touch the steering wheel. I have yet to meet someone without an opinion though, which is something I’ve come to respect. I think people who don’t have an opinion about politics don’t understand how much they stand to lose.


For me, speaking of politics here can’t be separated from speaking of my less than favorite theoretical word, ‘development.’ I was recently reading the Peruvian Nobel prize winner for literature, Mario Vargas Llosa, and he said something that summed up how I often feel about development here in Peru. He said ‘Peru is like an octopus, it has a strong center but it has wrangled weak limbs stretching out in every direction.” Living where I live, with the nearest larger town still being 6 hours from a ‘city’ it sometimes feels like this is the end of one of those limbs, but over the last 8-10 months that has been changing. When I first came up to Chota to visit my site, I remember being taken aback by how there is smooooth road out of Cajamarca city right until you pass Yanacocha, the worlds second largest gold mine. From there, a mere hour into your six hour journey, the road becomes unpaved and wobbly and you’re left to pray that the tires are in good condition. The reason that’s been changing is that different companies have been hired to pave the road, not only from Cajamarca city to Chota, but also from Chota down to the coastal city of Chiclayo. Chota has become a place where there is an influx of engineers buzzing around in orange vests setting off to work on the roads everyday, where foreign machinery and equipment has been brought in to pave the roads and make this incredible little isolated spot exposed to forces from both directions. It’s going to be so crazy to come back here just a few years from now, because it’s like you can already see the wheels of change in motion. Due to a lack of resources like certain machinery here in Peru, the Peruvian government has contracted out the paving of these roads and large infrastructure projects to foreign companies who can provide the machinery. What’s in it for these foreign companies? Well, they will have access to pillaging every square inch of mineral rich Andean terrain from here to sea level for the next who knows how many years. It all begs the question, yes, its ‘development’ but what century are we in again? Only this time around, it hasn’t taken the form of conquistadors; it’s coming from the head of the octopus trying to get stronger limbs, but tying them in all sorts of knots in the process.


As much as peace corps volunteers enjoy going down to the coast or Lima and having our standardized treats, it will be a sad day when familiar retail signs arrive to a place like this that has grown on me so much precisely for its chaotic and original way of being. It’s a place where no price seems to be set in stone, where campo women with their skirts and kids on their backs come in to sell their cuys twice a week, where a gringa (me) can be robbed twice and get her stuff back BOTH TIMES. It just seems like once you build that road, where does it stop? Will people like me who gag at the sight of more than one strip mall in a 5 mile radius and who actually enjoying looking for removed little outposts have to go to crazier and crazier ends to find them? Will the people I live and work with for whom 5 soles (2 $) is a lot of money have a different living standard because of what they are newly being exposed to? Or will Peru just skip an entire phase of so called ‘development’…having nice roads and shops but no systemized plumbing or improved cooking stoves? How much sway will foreign investment continue to have in Peru? It just goes back to how Peru is not a country poor in resources, it sits on a great amount of wealth, but it seems that the powers that be have become accustomed to sending so much of that wealth out of Peru, instead of taking the more growing pain inducing process of actually developing their own infrastructure themselves, that no matter how rich the country gets its reliance on outside influences will make it so it’s never in charge of its own resources the way it should be.

A few webpages on the election here in Peru....
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peruvian_general_election,_2011
http://www.livinginperu.com/blogs/business/1852

Catching up...

The last few months have been a whirlwind here in Peru. Since November I’ve been traveling a lot and had a the chance to visit the cordillera blanca in Ancash for thanksgiving, then our health group had medical checks so I had a fun week seeing other PCVs and also Peruvian friends in Lima, then I went to the US for Christmas and had such a great,refreshing two weeks with mom, dad, and Jenn along with friends in Utah. All in all, my time at site has been in smaller bits, but I’m a bit relieved to be looking into the month of February and knowing I’ll be keeping it low key between Chota and my site pretty much. I’m craving a bit of routine and a tiny bit of normality after so much traveling. I’ve started to like my days of early morning walks and my Spanish music playlist, visiting the health post, making lunch with friends at site, afternoons watching the rain, playing with my little host bros and writing and then playing volleyball until it gets dark. I guess I’m also hitting that point every PCV does eventually hit sooner or later where you really start to see that there is an end to this 27 month commitment, and my end is 9 months away. I know that’s still a long time, but in comparison to the 16 or so months I’ve been here, not so much.

Coming back to my site this time was a mix of thoughts, mostly about how weird it is that I can live and function decently in two places that are so completely different and even though I had huge tears as we took off from Atlanta, they weren't really sad tears as much as just feeling a mix of being sad I wasn't in Ireland for my grandads funeral and also wondering what I was going to make of these next 9 months because next time I'm back in the US my Peace Corps time will be over. Going back to the states is one big reminder of all the things I've adjusted to here in Peru from being ok with absolutely zero space on sweaty busrides that last an eternity to feeling like every single good cup of coffee is truly a blessing directly from god. Making a decision about where and what to eat was overwhelming, I'd be fine with like 3 simple variations once rice isn't involved..lol.

I didn't feel like I was coming back to a strange or new place anymore at all, Peru even for all of its eccentricities has definitely become a place where I've learned how to function, and don't mind living. In comparison to my site, arriving in central Lima I might as well still be in the states, so its not too big of a shock that way and in the line for customs I ran into 3 other volunteers from my group and we hopped a taxi to the hostal together. I eased into Peru seeing several Peruvian friends for coffee in Miraflores and then headed on up to Cajamarca.